Break-ups, by their very nature, rarely end well.
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There are countless reasons for this declaration of finality between a couple. And of course telling friends and family that their current spell of monogamy is over with said partner and they are now back on the proverbial market for a mate is not exactly the easiest thing in the world. Most break-ups are due to understandable reasons—someone cheated, someone is just a bad partner, or someone is more serious than the other. And sometimes it’s more complicated that that.
But the fact is, many relationships come to an end…
Unless they linger
And this is where post break up sex comes into play. Now, break up sex is a pretty broad term and if you’ve been in a few serious relationships, you have undoubtedly experienced it. It’s a final ’round’, before it’s officially over….
Well that is until that next lonely weekend night rolls around and you’ve had a few too many glasses of wine, which ends up dulling common sense and critical thinking while at the same time allowing you to roll out the red carpet of lust. And since men have even less control over their carnal desires—we really are like mosquitos in a nursery, break-up sex will continue until one of three things occurs:
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- someone acts like a real (pardon the dirty word) adult and puts a stop to it.
- feelings are hurt much more badly for one person and they decide to finally end it.
- Or the two of you get back together, which may not be for the better.
As Lenny Kravitz’s perfectly over-sexualized hit song goes, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
With all that in mind, break-up sex is a situational thing—meaning it varies from break-up to break-up and couple to couple, based on motivations and time frames and other factors. So, after many hours of drawing up various schematics, doing focus groups and surveys and pie chart graphs, I’ve broken down the good, the bad and the ugly of break-up sex into what is hopefully a helpful guide, below.
This is pretty obvious. The good, or maybe even the great, of break-up sex is of course the sex itself. Often there is no conversation, no cuddling, no hanging out; it’s just a simple case of sexual gratification, pure and simple with an added bonus: you know the person, especially in the bedroom.
This is great because you know where to touch, to lick, to suck, to bite, to pull. You also know what kind of dirty talk each of you likes (you’ll find some great tips on talking dirty here). It’s like going to your favorite restaurant—there’s no perusing the menu and having second thoughts once the meal comes. You know what you’re going to get, you’ve had it before and you’re going to enjoy every bit of it. There’s something very satisfying in the simplicity and honesty of that exchange, emotions be damned.
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There’s also the fact that if you’re having break-up sex—then the sex was probably pretty good. Many relationships—hell, many marriages for that matter—survive because of great sex, even though the two people regularly butt heads on a personal level.
Of course, these relationships probably aren’t the most healthy in the long run, (because “duh”, you do actually need to do things besides having great sex). There obviously needs to be something more for a relationship to really work—but in that grey area of a sputtering relationship, where break-up sex tends to thrive, great sex is all you really need to keep going until something better comes along.
Thanks A Lot Internet! – Also, in our digital age of short attention spans, you may feel that you just need to do it and get it out of your system, so you can go on about your evening, day or week. Having your ex’s number just a couple screen presses away is so much more convenient than taking a chance with some douche you met in your neighborhood bar or sleeping with that “kind-of-cute” dude who you have been casually seeing from Tinder.
Beyond the familiarity, convenience and high probability that the sex is going to be good, if not great (that is why you’re doing it, right?), there can be much deeper and intense feelings…which will end up making the sex much more intense. There’s also the fact that it probably goes against some of your own advice to friends or colleagues in the past, “Stop sleeping with him”, “it’s over” or “move on”. But going against these mantras, this common sense and your own moral code is often incredibly exciting, adding to the overall quality of the sex itself.
Since there is no need for romancing or subtle foreplay with post break-up sex, a door to an entirely new world of sexual exploration is often inadvertently opened and you may find yourself doing all sorts of things like hair-pulling, scratching, spanking and various other kinky things. You’ll find some great tips on having kinkier sex here and here. Sex in places you would never have sex may occur, like a stairwell, a kitchen, an office, a roommate’s room. And don’t forget the positions you will end up trying….here’s over 110 different sex positions to get you started.
The big difference with break-up sex when compared to regular sex is that it feels completely different post-orgasm, which is where things begin to get uncomfortable.
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Of course, great break-up sex can’t last forever. While “fuck-buddy” has become a more common and realistic term these days—thanks to the glut of adult sex meet-up websites and apps out there, from Tinder to Adult Friend Finder and a generally more liberal take on sex these days—the fact that you had a past relationship with the person who has become your “fuck buddy” almost always throws a real wrench into things.
There are different emotions and past desires that will often come back to the surface, either immediately or over time, after the act of break-up sex ends. For most people, this is just part of the human condition.
Dam Emotions – However, when this occurs, at least one party will most likely have their feelings hurt. The desire for a rekindling of the old relationship will often come out of good break-up sex—especially if the sex continues at a degree which is as good or better than it did during the actual relationship. Or the old problems that caused the relationship to end in the first place will once again come to the surface due to these steamy trysts and both parties will end up despising each other even more, or at least all over again.
If there is a desire to be friends with your ex after the relationship ends, then break-up sex for an extended period of time—in other words more than once—is not a good idea.
The end of a relationship will hurt both sides to some degree, though almost always one side more than the other. If you want to eventually be just friends again, then you both need some time away from each other to get some real perspective about who you are as a person now and also have time to heal from any pain you may be feeling now that the relationship has come to an end.
Continuing to have sex with each other—obviously—does not allow this separation to occur and the natural healing and perspective to truly begin.
The other problem with break-up sex is that it’s an ‘in-between’. You’re not really in a relationship, but you’re not entirely out of a relationship either. You’re having sex (usually good sex) but there is not much hope of a solid, long term relationship developing out of it.
As mentioned earlier, often people continue having post break-up sex until something better comes along. You may find that it’s a happy medium of satisfying your carnal desires, yet you still get to play the field without having to sleep around with strangers. From an entirely pragmatic point of view, this makes sense. However it can come as quite a shock for your ex, when you suddenly break off all contact with him and start a new relationship.
And don’t forget that the same can happen to you too!
Of course, all’s fair in love and war, right? You may want to establish this basic ground rule with your ex if you’re going to have an extended period of organized break-up sex until something better comes along. This may alleviate the severity of hurt feelings when someone finally does stray to someone they believe to be better—though emotional pain is inevitable.
Break-up sex can also be a dangerous game to play with your emotions. When it comes to serious break-ups, where you have been together with your ex for an extended period of time, continuing to sleep with them will often only drive you deeper into that depressing, post break-up abyss. While the sex may feel good in the short term and make the pain go away, the relationship often ended for a reason and break up sex is one of the worst things you could possibly do if you want to move on in your life.
Additionally, never underestimate the amount of abuse someone will take in a relationship if they really want it to work. If you know your ex still feels strongly about you and you know you shouldn’t be together, then no matter how incredible the sex is, you’ve got to cut ties. It’s better for both of your happiness in the long term.
There’s also the fact that break-up sex will distract you from meeting someone else out there who was better than your ex, or at least different. It will keep you from focusing all your attention on moving on to new and exciting things in your life, because you will still be keeping an old fire burning.
There’s nothing more tragic than life wasted, and one could argue that the short term enjoyment of break-up sex verges on wasting your life. The time you skipped out of the bar early to meet your ex at their apartment, could have been the moment you met your one true love, who walked in a few minutes after you left. All for one more lay with someone who it’s not going to work out with anyway.
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